I want to be blunt but it is against my nature to be that way. I cant just say what I have to. I have to hide it. Not just when I speak but even when I write. But I want to be blunt. Very much. They say you owe it to others to be truthful and honest abt the way you feel. Bullshit.. Its more abt being honest abt the way you feel with YOURSELF. Only when you're able to speak what you want without worrying abt what others think will you feel like you have the weight of a *_______* off your shoulder. The 'others' would go on with their lives whether you say what you want or don't but you live with what you have to bear.

So I want to say what I want. I want to say it without worrying. I want to say that I feel bitter.

I can't. And it makes me feel alone.

I hate the number 2 now. Its in my head all the time. Haha. And it's eating me on the inside. Like number 9 for Roland in The Dark Tower. The trick is not to question no matter how curious you are.. I played by the rules. I didnt ask. Yet i hate it. Cos i know exactly what it means. One number changes perceptions and its a risk il never take;)

P.s: im sure in 2 days i wouldnt knw what all this was about.

When will a tool ever be the end-product? A tool is the end-product amongst tool, but it will never be anything more than that..

Some violins have dual strings but always one fiddle.. or is there one with two? One with a purpose and one without..

Watched the movie Hills Have Eyes... Wish I had eyes.. Enough to see what I should see so that I can run. Joke is they didn't make it out alive. What makes me think I would?

Was jogging that day and I saw lots of dead animals on the road. A frog, a bird, snake and something beyond recognition. I write about you. So that you did not leave alone. You were spoken about.. When will I be spoken about? In times of absence? Or any God-given time...

I took my car out that day. It was driving so smoothly. And I thought to myself, "my car responds well to me". I was wrong. It responded well to my sister as well. What was special to me turns out to be something more common than I thought. Is it still special? It may be to me... but my car couldn't care less..

I'm up at this hour. And I'm thinking... Who else feels as lonely as this... Beats me.

A Crease on Your Brow is a Crease in Another's Day....

Hey guys,

Yea yea Sarah. I'm blogging again. I have a feeling I'm doing this for your benefit to be honest;p. Anyway, let me start by saying that I'm not to happy with myself at the moment. I seem to be getting annoyed, angry, sensitive and pissed quite a lot these past few weeks. And I hate that because this isn't the person that I am.

The more I tell myself I have no reason to get annoyed, the more reasons just keep popping up, hence giving me more reason to get annoyed. My whole life I've spent being patient and trying to be understanding despite people yelling at me and telling me I don't understand and I'll never get it. My whole life I've felt like I am 'immortal' in the sense that trivial things wouldn't bug me as much. My whole life I've made conscious attempts to not give a shit about what I felt about something and to think about how the other felt. This includes saying sorry first when it clearly isn't my fault. And my whole life I've always avoided confrontation because I didn't think it was worth the trauma of a wounded relationship.

Just one month I spent thinking about how I felt, getting mad at things which I felt strongly about and getting sensitive at things which bugged me and I'm labelled 'troubled'. I somehow feel that I have lost the right to feel these things because I have always portrayed myself to be someone who's never affected by them. But isn't it my right to lose? For it to be my right, shouldn't I have owned it in the first place? Then why is it I feel like I've never had that right? Haha. What a loser!!

"You're entitled to feel that way and it's ok to be pissed once in a while". That's what everyone tells you when you tell them you feel like shit. But there's only so much someone can take. And when it starts to bug them, you'll definitely hear about it from them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a martyr or that I've dedicated most my life to nurse the wounded souls of mankind. I'm nowhere near all that. It's just that sometimes I feel like I want to be the one that needs instead of being needed all the time. And sadly, I'm incapable of allowing my head to rest on someone elses shoulder because I'm always on a lookout on who needs my shoulder. When I do actually need a shoulder for my heavy head, I'm told I'm being too sensitive.

Probably is what I asked for, given the position I have put myself in. And it is at time like this I wish I was back home with my car, driving along the North-South highway. Cos it's only during that strech that I'm alone and I feel that in that loneliness I am allowed the right to be as vulnerable and as sensitive as I want to be. There won't be anyone to see me or judge me. There won't be anyone to tell me I'm too sensitive. There won't be a soul that would feel pity on me because that's not what I want. The irony is once again, my shoulder is what's being used to lean on. Just that this time it's my head instead of anyone elses.

I savour moments like this now. I savour my moment of soltitude. Don't get me wrong, I hate being alone. I hate the thought of not seeing anyone and not having my friends or family around. But when I feel so down, my take on this is, I owe it to the world to not let them see me at my weakest. Because they don't know how to deal with it and I, on the other hand, don't think I can handle their responses.

SO..... *hehe* as emo as this post is... *which is so not me*... I don't want to let what bugs me eat on everyone elses lives. They have enough to deal with as it is without me getting in their way. My parents have their own problems to deal with, my sisters have their own daily troubles and my friends would probably go through even bigger shit than me. In stepping back and looking at the picture as a whole, I'll remove myself from the picture because I KNOW I can handle what's mine to handle. I was never sensitive, pissed or annoyed before and it is true, I have no reason to feel that way because I have it okay in life. I am allowed to feel the way I do but I know that I am capable of dragging myself out of anything I've put myself into.

But when those small moments come, and I can't handle them myself, then YOU GUYS STEP IN!!! hahahah... pressure's on mateysss!!!!! I'm just joking;)) It'll be cool!! I'm damnnnnnn sure about that!!!

Take care, bunch of fools;)

IM HOME!!! N i like..........;)))))))

*JUMPING JUMPING JUMPING*,

hehehe.. I'M HOME!!! I know it's been a month overdue but can't blame me for having fun now can we. You would be too busy having fun too if you were away from home for more than 9 months!! Life's been awesome for a month now and I'm NOT looking forward to going back to that damned 'peti sejuk' land. Everything is so cold there, the weather, people, food,..... sigh.. And then there's summer!! When everything becomes so hot. And to top it off, the forgot to install fans in the rooms.. Sometimes I feel their concept is, "BURN BURN, DAMNED PUTIHS. BOIL IN YE SKINS! YOU ONLY HAVE THREE MONTHS TO TURN FROM CHALK WHITE TO BARLEY WHITE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME!!". They forget about people like us who are naturally black/brown. This jokers nicely turning from chalk white to barley white and we pulak looking like burnt mutton!.. NVM!! I LIKE A GOOD TAN!!

Haha. Anyway, today I shall not write an 'essay'. Cos my left hand might possible be fractured. I don't know what's the deal with that. I woke up with this pain and then I blacked out. Sleepy la, must go back to sleep. I will not wake up for anything, anyone, any pain! *except if my mum starts screaming. hehe*.. So since I am awake, and my hand hurts, I shall point form this nonsense..

What's so awesome about my homecoming!!:

• My parents face in the airport when they saw me. Man, that was to die for! I'm not joking. Everyone complains about their parents (excluding me) and everyone has parental problems but I swear when you're away from home, and when you come back. That 10 seconds when they first see you after so long tells you exactly how they feel about you. Massive love right there staring me in the face. Didn't help very much though that my dad and sis didn't recognise me when they saw me.

"What are you talking about. It's a blady Italian!! Our kid's not here yet", says dad to mum. Mum hangs back as Dad and Sis runs out of the arrival area in embarassment. 'Italian kid' walks straight to Mum and Mum screams to Dad and says, "The Italian kid is OURS!!!". I was Italian for a day that day. The next day I went back to being Jamaican. I had to stress to my parents that I must hold on to our roots and stay black! They were proud of their black baby.

• The fact that my sis actually jumped when she saw me. HEHEHEHE!!! WHO LOVES ME?? Apsara busted!!! She JUMPED!! See, the rule between sisters is that you musn't show excitement at the sight of your sister. You must contain that feeling till you're sure they're not looking. Then you want you can do a split, five star jump, anything.....But the grey child got to happy I guess. can't blame her I guess. Hard to contain your excitement when you have a superstar Italian sister!

• My dog remembers me!!! Haha. I was so worried that the dude wouldn't remember me that I saved the last bit of my deodorant that I used to wear when I was back in Malaysia. I saved it for nine months! For a dog! and.... IT PAID OFF!!! He looked at me all confused like, "Dude, you ditched me right. You're that punk ass that walked out on this brown family and took off right!! Nine months man! What do you think?!!! You think I'll come running to you wagging my.... wait wait.... what's this?!!! my tail!! IT'S WAGGING!!! I think..... I think.... I... stilll....... I LOVE YOU MAN!!!! *BARK BARK BARK*.... and that's that. My baby still loves me;))

• MY CAR!!! The sexy piece of metal still responds beautifully to me. I got in and it started like I was just driving it yesterday. Soooooooo SMOOTH!!! Was a mess though inside and the best part was....... IT'S ALL MY MESS THAT I LEFT BEHIND 9 MONTHS AGO!!!... Even my old chewing gum!! *I ate one and it tasted like crap! But it was mine!:DDDD*

• The food!! Adoi!!! Didn't matter if it was the yellow dhall curry which kept me in dark, depressed mood nine months ago. I remember when my mum made it nine months ago. My heart would hurt and I would go for long jogs just to drown my sorrows in sweat. Then somehow, the whole day would be all dark and mendung even when the sun was shining soooo damn brightly. Even my dog would look like a walking yellow dhall. Didn't help that he was small and yellow nine months ago. And I couldn't look at my dog the same way till that day/ or the dhall curry finished. BUT NOW!!! Dhall curry was awesome la. Note the 'was'. I prefer other curries now. But no more mendung days when my mum says "dhall curry". There's a small thunder but still a bright day;P

• DURIAN!!! Nothing else needs to be said about that;)

K k, I think I'll stop here. There's so much that I can list down but I shall keep it till here. All I can say is that it's true what they say.. You only know what you miss when you're away from it. I was away and I missed it and what I took for granted then I treasure more now that I know how much I miss it. So people, don't take anything for granted cos what we have now is bound to be missing in the future. So enjoy it while you still have it;))

Ciao Bella;))

Staring in the Mirror...... and I see.... MEEE!!!!;)))

yO!!

Fine fine, I'm BACK by HUGE demand!!! hehe. I was getting calls and all. People were crying and some were begging me to update my blog (see chatbox.. hehe;p). You see, the problem with me is when I see tears, I can't say no. And people were crying me a river. How the hell do I say no. Sigh,.... sometimes I think my purpose in life is to enlighten the world.. Hey would you look at that. Even the Blog name thing is about enlightenment. I ROCK!!

Usually I would by now say, "okay, enough about me. I know you're all getting bored.. bla bla bla.." But today is your lucky day!! I'm not saying all that. Today, S'ALL ABOUT ME!!... Well, I did warn you this day would come. For those of you who can't handle to much self-love and praise, or those of you who feel that narcisism is an incurable disease that is fatal, the doors are still open. RUN WHILE YOU CAN!! Cos, beyond this point, it gets wicked!!! hehehe;P

I stand before a mirror,
I see me.
I look away from the mirror,
but I turn to glance at me.
Me is all I see.
But the question stares me in the eye
What do I see?

Basically I leave you to judge me for the kind of person that I am. I did write a post on judging others up above but to judge or not is your choice. I won't judge you for judging me. Why am I so caught up on me? Seriously, when I walk past shop windows, I don't look into those damn windows to see the display. I'll leave that to the mortals. I am so busy checking myself out that sometimes I fail to realise what shop I'm looking into. Once I was so busy doing what I do best (I looked super sexy that day.... sigh) and then I realised I was making faces at a punjabi security guard. From that experience, I take it that Punjabis may not be too tolerant to sexy people. Hehe. But yea, my point is, I seem to land myself in trouble a lot with this disease. I scared a grandma in a car by looking in. Poor old lady nearly died that day. My disease nearly killed someone.

Is it wrong though? The fact that I am too caught up on myself? I don't seem to think so. My friend once asked me to rate myself from a 1 to 10 and without thinking, I said 10!!!!.. Then I felt really horrible and bad... I mean how could I just say I was a 10 without thinking thoroughly about the wrinkles at the sides of my eyes, the freckles on my nose and the fact that I have enough hair to donate to Batu Caves for two Thaipusams in a row.... So,.... sigh..... I did the most honourable thing... I looked at my friend and I told her.... "Dude..... I'd like to change my answer.... I don' think I'm a 10...... sigh..... im.... a ...... 9.5!!"... That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I did it. *looking forward to the torrents of "congratulations"* hehe..

Like I said, I don't think it's a bad thing. I mean obviously all of you would say,"duh, she loves herself. how can that be bad".. But it's not just that. I feel that when I can look at myself in the mirror and instead of finding flaws I try to look at the awesome aspects of me, I can look at others and pick out the wonderful aspects in them.. Let me give you an example. No prizes for what kind of example I'm going to use. Yes yes, animals!!... I said it once before, I'll say it again, animals are silent creatures of God which hold many answers if we know where to look....... K that sounded a bit wrong but never mind. Btw, I have a funny feeling I'm going to heaven. I don't know why but it's a random thought... Aiyoh, so excited!!;D

See the females of any animal... They are the most peransanted things in the world. You see this butt ugly baboon. Hehe, ironic ah.. BUTT... BABOON... get it!! haha.. -_- never mind.. She has a split tail and her 'apple bottom' butt and her 'boots with the fur' are not as spectacular as the other baboon chicks. But she thinks she deserves just the same as the other sexier baboons. There is self love right there. You don't see the other hot baboons go, "wei, buntut kau tak merah mcm I punya" or "oi, beratur la. yang baboon buruk busuk tu paling belakang. geli giler makan kutu dia. entah mane dia pegi lepak", during their spa treatment with other baboons while taking their handbags and walking with their red asses in the air. You see baboons don't do that. They seem to think they are all that and they don't look down on those who may not be as good looking as them. Which explains why when you ask them who's the ugliest of the lot, they never stop staring at you and there's complete silence while they ALL stare at you. They NEVER stare at each other. Either that, or they didn't understand my question. Can't be that I was the one whom they thought was ugly... hehe... *gulp*;(

The previous paragraph is quite disturbing since I did mention that the baboons were sexy. I just looked at a couple of baboon pictures and they weren't sexy... But you get the idea;)... Anyway, I hope you see where I'm going with this. When I look at myself and I like what I see, it's easier for me to look at others and like what I see. Some of you may beg to differ but that's just the way I look at things. Like I mentioned before, I am not the conventional character. So if you find this way of thinking weird, your consolation would be that it's coming from an equally twisted soul. But that's me for you. I like looking at the good side of people and not their bad. I love giving people the benefit of the doubt. When I see someone who thinks lowly of herself, I ask myself, "Why can't she/he see what I see in her/him?". Is it because I see things differently? Or is it that they choose not to see it? Or is it because I see so much in me that I like that I'm inclined to do the same with others? I prefer to think it's the third reason.

Despite saying all this, there is one thing that I don't really like in me... *NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! gasps.... U DON'T SAY!!*.... hehe.. Well yea, there is one thing. I don't like the fact that I can't express how I feel at times. I may be angry or sad or something and instead of confronting the issue, I choose not to deal with it. My excuse would be, 'this too shall pass'. How many 'this's have come and gone and I'm still here saying the same thing. Instead of dealing with a conflict, I look to see if I, in the position of the other person would have done things differently. If no, I forget what has happened and I take a chill pill. If it's a yes,..... there's never been a yes actually. Haha. I always seem to find a reason to make it a no. You see, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but that's the way I like it. I'm sure if something really bothers me to the max, I would deal with it and so far, there's been nothing to that extent. So s'all goooood!!!;)))

My point today is, despite talking about me, baboons and kutu, look at yourself in a different light. Instead of looking for pimples and oil residue on your face, look at the little things that make your face glow. How that wrinkle at the side if you eyes makes your laugh extra nice to look at, how the freckles on your nose add on to your character and how that mass of curly hair on your head would keep people guessing about your nationality. Check your personality out and rejoice that you are the only one in the world that has that personality. Enjoy the fact that you may be completely random or not, or that you may be a kuning minded person that would keep your friends in stiches,..... anything. Enjoy every aspect of yourself at least for a day and you will find that your perception would differ a little because immediately everything else seems to shine as well.

It's kinda cool actually cos when you think you are all that, you immediately lose the sense of wanting to look better than others (even though you probably might not be bt wth). No jealousy, no competition, just you and the world. All in all, it's best when you think you're awesome cos in the end, only you will remain a constant element in your life;)))

Peace!!

TO JUDGE.... or NOT to JUDGE!!!... shouldn't even be a question....

Hey Sexy!

Yo! Guess who's back, back again... Sexy's back. Here to stay!! Aite, don't get your hopes up and all. I did say this might not last long. ADD kicks in and i get KICKED OUT!! Plus me writing in proper English is a real pain in the a**. So, when it gets to a point where I can tolerate this rubbish no more,...... you won't see me in a loooooong while. Hehe.. I have massive knee pain by the way *for all those of you that care*, It's so bad that climbing up the stairs is like going up Batu Caves. My moral support is hearing the "Vel Vel Vadivel" in my head as I go up. It's like Thaipusam all over again.

So,..... Topic of the day!!!!! Is it right to judge others? Before I continue, note that as much as I like to think I'm God,... im not.. I'm just like all you mortals. Only at times, i might show traces of immortality but you're not interested in that right now and I'll fit that in another post. THE IMMORTALITY WITHIN.. Okay, let's continue. Everybody today is all about judging. I judge you, you judge me, God judges us, and now it's gotten to a point where we judge God and His existence.

As I look at you
I try to find me,
I search your eyes
for traces of me,
my thoughts, my dreams,
Do you see with my eyes?
Is your speech laced with my words? No?
Then you are not me
You are another
One that's not me
One that can never be me.

Honestly,..... wth. Haha. Is this how we all are in the end? We set standards for others based on who we are. People who dress well judge those who don't and those who don't, well, they judge the ones that do. We ALL judge. This is an undeniable fact.

I have stood at a bus stop once (yes, I have been to a bus stop. Sometimes Jimbo, my car, and I have our differences and we need time apart to understand how we feel about each other. K k, it's not that. I was waiting for my car-less cousin at the damn stop), and I saw this girl with practically her whole ear pierced and she sported a pierced eyebrow, nose and lip as well. I told myself, "Damn, Goth la tu. Gangster sial....". And that's when it hit me. Who was I to say such things? What made me think that I was in a better position than her to pass judgments onto people? For all you know, my torn jeans and my messed up hair might have given her the idea that I was a roadside beggar. Can't blame her, I do give out that impression quite a lot but then again, who is she to pass judgment on me?

That's our problem. We seem to think that people should match up (or down) to our standards. But what we don't seem to get is that everyone's standard is different. Why am I ranting on about judgments and talking endlessly about it? Well, everything I say has a purpose. I don't talk without a purpose. And my purpose now is........ *shit..*... Wait, I must think..

Haha.. Sorry got side-tracked. I know my purpose now, I think. My purpose is to show that instead of judging,... look. Look at someone and search them for qualities that you find appealing. For the qualities that you can't relate to, try and understand them and most importantly, look at things from their point of view to relate to how they would see it. Don't judge. Because I feel that time spent judging can be used to actually get to know someone.

Relationships are built and relationships are nurtured, but it's things like judging that destroys the core of a relationship. I seem to make references to animals but seriously they are the best example here. Look at a herd of wild oxen. Each and every one of them are different. None of them are the same. But we don't see this difference because the oxen themselves don't waste time judging and segregating amongst themselves. They don't go around saying, "okay, lembu hitam sini. Yang coklat buruk tu pegi sana. Yang putih korang kat depan" or "damn, that black ox there thinks he's so gempak. TANDUK KARANG!".. They stand one for all, all for one. Why can't we be the same? Instead of accepting a person for who they are, we spend our times talking about how 'weird' or 'unconventional' they are.

I have judged people. And what saddens me is the fact that by doing so, I have lost the chance of actually getting to know them. It's like that stupid sign in the shop that sells fragile items:

Nice to see, nice to touch
Once broken considered sold.

I never liked those signs. Scary shit. It's like the signs were meant for me. All they need to do is add " ah Nimisha" after the "sold". My dad makes me stand outside shops like this because his wallet would be dry by the time we left the shop if I was in it. Bankrupt Gobi is NOT a happy Gobi.

Haha. Side-tracked again. But yea, this signs apply here as well:

Nice to talk, nice to judge
Once judged considered gone.

Doesn't rhyme but you get the gist of it. It spoils everything. Things will never be the same again and even if you wanted to, you cannot change how you previously felt about that person. It's hard not to judge though and it's like asking politicians to give up politics (too much monetary temptation. hehe) or asking the guy who threw the shoe at George Bush not to do it again (an idea too tempting to give up) or not wearing deodorant when going out or asking me to give up my Playstation. All these are things that are hard but not impossible (except that Playstation thing. Don't try asking me to do that unless you want to visit all four corners of UK... at the same time... I won't bother explaining>=))..

Judge not others in a way you would not like to be judged. Live a hypocritically-free life and you'll find a sense of peace within you. I have stopped judging people now. I wouldn't say stopped but basically reduced the quota and personally,.... it's a good feeling. I know people out there talk about me. Say bad things about me. Perhaps good things. Maybe they don't even talk about me and I'm just being perasan. Or maybe they think that I'm not the conventional character in your everyday life. But you know what,..... SCREW IT!!!

I don't care. I don't care about how the conventional character in your life resonates. And I don't want to be that conventional character. Why??????? Because in my life I AM THE CONVENTIONAL CHARACTER. And if I were to live my life the way everyone else does just so I can escape their judgments, then I would have A LOT of people to please. Each with their own version of what the conventional person is like. But in living life the way I want to, I won't judge you. I won't look at you any differently from the way I look at myself. Why?????? Because I will live by and embrace the idea that God created the concept of variation in his little artwork for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but till I do, I will appreciate the difference I see in another person. No judging, only appreciation. And for what I can't accept, I will lay it aside and look at it no more. Call that living in denial but I don't think so. I call it LIVING IN REALITY. Learn to accept what you can't change.

Remember though, the difference that I speak of is not one of low moral values. Those cases are different. I'm speaking of the opinion differences and such. Better tell this now in case one day I see you fellas in a cell chatting happily with a sentenced murderer or lepaking at the back alley with a drug addict best friend. DON'T DO DRUGS!!

So yea, I have decided that I would rather not be a hypocrite and stay true to who I really am. People can judge me for it and that's fine. But I shall not stoop down to their level to get back at them. I wish them well though and hope Karma doesn't hit them where it hurts. Seriously... I will live a clean and clear Nimisha life and the best part about this if someone can look beyond my rowdy behaviour, my insensitive nature, my messy hair and my clumsiness and see ME, then.... I have found myself a friend for keeps.... To all you guys who have, know that I have seen YOU too and I accept YOU and I like YOU for who YOU are.

Peace Out;)