TO JUDGE.... or NOT to JUDGE!!!... shouldn't even be a question....

Hey Sexy!

Yo! Guess who's back, back again... Sexy's back. Here to stay!! Aite, don't get your hopes up and all. I did say this might not last long. ADD kicks in and i get KICKED OUT!! Plus me writing in proper English is a real pain in the a**. So, when it gets to a point where I can tolerate this rubbish no more,...... you won't see me in a loooooong while. Hehe.. I have massive knee pain by the way *for all those of you that care*, It's so bad that climbing up the stairs is like going up Batu Caves. My moral support is hearing the "Vel Vel Vadivel" in my head as I go up. It's like Thaipusam all over again.

So,..... Topic of the day!!!!! Is it right to judge others? Before I continue, note that as much as I like to think I'm God,... im not.. I'm just like all you mortals. Only at times, i might show traces of immortality but you're not interested in that right now and I'll fit that in another post. THE IMMORTALITY WITHIN.. Okay, let's continue. Everybody today is all about judging. I judge you, you judge me, God judges us, and now it's gotten to a point where we judge God and His existence.

As I look at you
I try to find me,
I search your eyes
for traces of me,
my thoughts, my dreams,
Do you see with my eyes?
Is your speech laced with my words? No?
Then you are not me
You are another
One that's not me
One that can never be me.

Honestly,..... wth. Haha. Is this how we all are in the end? We set standards for others based on who we are. People who dress well judge those who don't and those who don't, well, they judge the ones that do. We ALL judge. This is an undeniable fact.

I have stood at a bus stop once (yes, I have been to a bus stop. Sometimes Jimbo, my car, and I have our differences and we need time apart to understand how we feel about each other. K k, it's not that. I was waiting for my car-less cousin at the damn stop), and I saw this girl with practically her whole ear pierced and she sported a pierced eyebrow, nose and lip as well. I told myself, "Damn, Goth la tu. Gangster sial....". And that's when it hit me. Who was I to say such things? What made me think that I was in a better position than her to pass judgments onto people? For all you know, my torn jeans and my messed up hair might have given her the idea that I was a roadside beggar. Can't blame her, I do give out that impression quite a lot but then again, who is she to pass judgment on me?

That's our problem. We seem to think that people should match up (or down) to our standards. But what we don't seem to get is that everyone's standard is different. Why am I ranting on about judgments and talking endlessly about it? Well, everything I say has a purpose. I don't talk without a purpose. And my purpose now is........ *shit..*... Wait, I must think..

Haha.. Sorry got side-tracked. I know my purpose now, I think. My purpose is to show that instead of judging,... look. Look at someone and search them for qualities that you find appealing. For the qualities that you can't relate to, try and understand them and most importantly, look at things from their point of view to relate to how they would see it. Don't judge. Because I feel that time spent judging can be used to actually get to know someone.

Relationships are built and relationships are nurtured, but it's things like judging that destroys the core of a relationship. I seem to make references to animals but seriously they are the best example here. Look at a herd of wild oxen. Each and every one of them are different. None of them are the same. But we don't see this difference because the oxen themselves don't waste time judging and segregating amongst themselves. They don't go around saying, "okay, lembu hitam sini. Yang coklat buruk tu pegi sana. Yang putih korang kat depan" or "damn, that black ox there thinks he's so gempak. TANDUK KARANG!".. They stand one for all, all for one. Why can't we be the same? Instead of accepting a person for who they are, we spend our times talking about how 'weird' or 'unconventional' they are.

I have judged people. And what saddens me is the fact that by doing so, I have lost the chance of actually getting to know them. It's like that stupid sign in the shop that sells fragile items:

Nice to see, nice to touch
Once broken considered sold.

I never liked those signs. Scary shit. It's like the signs were meant for me. All they need to do is add " ah Nimisha" after the "sold". My dad makes me stand outside shops like this because his wallet would be dry by the time we left the shop if I was in it. Bankrupt Gobi is NOT a happy Gobi.

Haha. Side-tracked again. But yea, this signs apply here as well:

Nice to talk, nice to judge
Once judged considered gone.

Doesn't rhyme but you get the gist of it. It spoils everything. Things will never be the same again and even if you wanted to, you cannot change how you previously felt about that person. It's hard not to judge though and it's like asking politicians to give up politics (too much monetary temptation. hehe) or asking the guy who threw the shoe at George Bush not to do it again (an idea too tempting to give up) or not wearing deodorant when going out or asking me to give up my Playstation. All these are things that are hard but not impossible (except that Playstation thing. Don't try asking me to do that unless you want to visit all four corners of UK... at the same time... I won't bother explaining>=))..

Judge not others in a way you would not like to be judged. Live a hypocritically-free life and you'll find a sense of peace within you. I have stopped judging people now. I wouldn't say stopped but basically reduced the quota and personally,.... it's a good feeling. I know people out there talk about me. Say bad things about me. Perhaps good things. Maybe they don't even talk about me and I'm just being perasan. Or maybe they think that I'm not the conventional character in your everyday life. But you know what,..... SCREW IT!!!

I don't care. I don't care about how the conventional character in your life resonates. And I don't want to be that conventional character. Why??????? Because in my life I AM THE CONVENTIONAL CHARACTER. And if I were to live my life the way everyone else does just so I can escape their judgments, then I would have A LOT of people to please. Each with their own version of what the conventional person is like. But in living life the way I want to, I won't judge you. I won't look at you any differently from the way I look at myself. Why?????? Because I will live by and embrace the idea that God created the concept of variation in his little artwork for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but till I do, I will appreciate the difference I see in another person. No judging, only appreciation. And for what I can't accept, I will lay it aside and look at it no more. Call that living in denial but I don't think so. I call it LIVING IN REALITY. Learn to accept what you can't change.

Remember though, the difference that I speak of is not one of low moral values. Those cases are different. I'm speaking of the opinion differences and such. Better tell this now in case one day I see you fellas in a cell chatting happily with a sentenced murderer or lepaking at the back alley with a drug addict best friend. DON'T DO DRUGS!!

So yea, I have decided that I would rather not be a hypocrite and stay true to who I really am. People can judge me for it and that's fine. But I shall not stoop down to their level to get back at them. I wish them well though and hope Karma doesn't hit them where it hurts. Seriously... I will live a clean and clear Nimisha life and the best part about this if someone can look beyond my rowdy behaviour, my insensitive nature, my messy hair and my clumsiness and see ME, then.... I have found myself a friend for keeps.... To all you guys who have, know that I have seen YOU too and I accept YOU and I like YOU for who YOU are.

Peace Out;)

You can RUN from the DeVIL and not look Back... but Probably He STANDS in front.... ARMS OUTSTRECHED..

You filthy scum!!!

Apologies for the foul language but I felt like greeting in a different way today. No worries, no harm meant. Just a different way/gesture of love from me to you. *Bloody scum*. hehe.. So, I said i'll be back and I AM!! This blogging thing isn't so bad now that I think about it. So scratch what I said earlier about it being RUBBISH. Aite, I better get cracking on what I want to say today. You see, everyday I'll explore a new region of issues and break it down.... MY STYLE!!.. I wanted to talk about me but I think if I do that, people would fall in love with me and I am already in a relationship with myself, I can't encourage another one at the moment..

I am in UK now and the world I left behind me assumes that the world I'm in now is an escape from the harshness they feel at the moment. Nothing can be worse than the tension that's cutting through the emotions and lives of MY PEOPLE.

My speech is held by it's tongue,
My head is guided by an invisible hand,
My soul trapped in a cocoon
that has been waiting too long to rupture,
My spirit bound to boulders
as the waves crash around it,
I have waited and waited...
Shall I wait somemore or shall I wait no more
for wings to take me away..
Be it a dream, be it the truth,
I yearn for wings
to take me from my woe.

Well, wings or no wings, that is what everyone wants. FREEDOM!!
"So go to UK", they say, "It's nothing like what's happening here. You'll experience life like never before. You'll know what their culture is and that would be a HUGE investment for you when you come back".. GO FLY KITES!!

We speak of racism and how we are not treated equally back in Malaysia. Well, I have news for all of you. Your whole theory of running away from that particular pain in Malaysia can be defined as an 'endless run to nowhere'. In my words: SAME SHIT DIFFERENT PLACE!! (damn that should have been the title of the post). I blame you not. I was of the same opinion as well.
I have been slapped many times by this cruel reality that has befallen our nation. Denied scholarships, denied uniersity spots, denied everything.... I shall not bore you with details of my sad life. Not sad, but it's like watching a movie. A tamil movie or something, with all its dramatism and 'lebih-lebihness', where you're just waiting for that happy-ending which might or might not come. I don't know if this my happy-ending, I hope not though.... LONG WAY TO GO!.. By the way, I like movies with depressing endings. Gives it a kick.. I. AM. A. MORBID. PERSON...

I AM DISTRACTED!!.. haha. When I got here, things were not as I expected. I thought everyone was equal in the sense that we could do and say as the 'putihs' do. THEN,.... there was my first seminar. Every time I tried to get a word in, no one was interested in listening. Whenever I spoke, it wasn't an opinion worth considering. It was theirs and theirs ALONE that carried the weight of the world. They and their 'putih' world. They can take their world and shove it up their natural putih a**.

I HATE being taken to be an opinionless person. I HATE it when someone thinks they are better than everyone else. And I HATE it if their reason for feeling so is because they are supposedly highly placed in the society just because they are seriously deprived of blood and remain pucat even when they're laughing.

Haha. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry. Things like this don't anger me. It takes a whole lot more to piss me off. It just puzzles me when I think about how one human being can look at another and differentiate himself/herself from them just because of their social background. It's like in Animal Planet(so long since I watched that channel. Never was my favourite but now, being highly deprived of tv, I wouldn't mind staring at animals getting their groove on.... I realise that sounded damn wrong but trust me, I meant it in the cleanest way possible). Lions and tigers fighting, seeing who's best, best gets the babes and the better half of the food. Same here same here same everywhere...

I have stepped from one world into another and frankly speaking, there's no difference. Maybe the difference would lie in the way its being practiced but the core element remains the same. We are never going to get first dibs anywhere. And for those of you who speak about trying to learn the culture that is supposedly 'almighty', the culture that you wish to seek is the exact culture that we keep at arms length. If, from what I see, this culture tells me to hit the clubs at 10 at night and come back home at 4am, allows me to get my ass grabbed in damn clubs while accepting that its a common occurence, going on booze cruises, having club activities that involve a lot of drinking, clubbing and God knows what else later,.... then I want no part of this culture. Maybe what you had in your minds was the scene of people sitting around a round table with funky flowered hats, drinking tea with their pinky sticking out and saying,"Martha, you are such a laugh. Tea and scones anyone?", well I think that died decades ago. Maybe the Queen of England is the last one that seriously practices it. It's like our keris, hulubalangs, tanjaks and "cis, bedebah engkau Hang Tuah" that have died as time flew by. That is no more the culture here, there is no more softness in speech, culture and class in conduct,... Perhaps there is and I am not looking hard enough, but this is the image I perceive here. Maybe I should just join the Tea Club(if there's one). Scones anyone? *can't imagine myself doing that. Disgustingly not me*.

I have literally developed a shell here. Nothing affects me anymore and perhaps this is the best thing that I have learned here. I am no more concerned about being right or wrong. I am only concerned in being heard. I like the sound of my voice and I would never give that up just because I am possibly not understood here. And this shell, which I have grown in 5 months, is an awesome defense mechanism. Anything that would have affected me once before just bounces off and I am NUMB to criticisms and crap.

I become so Numb,
I can't feel you there,
Become so Numb
so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do,
Is be more like ME and be less like YOU!!!
*Linkin Park knows their shit!!*

And that's me for you. I came to this country as ME and I am leaving as ME. I shall grow in this country as ME and I shall bloom as ME. It's ME that I love, respect, and find awesomely amazing. And it's this ME that I will go through this new experience with and come out unscathed. Because in the end, it's ME that i'll have to live with as time flies and I won't give ME up for all the culture and dissing off the world;)

Probably in my future posts, I will comment on the benefits of this place. Well, everything has its ups and downs. This is the down and next time.... UP!!.. Peace out;)

Wth.... m i doing here..

Ssup!!

Damn I'm blogging... I told myself once before that I would never blog but then again I told myself I would never straighten my hair and I did. What's so interesting about blogging anyway. I mean, you write stuff for the world to see. Is that what it's all about?.... RUBBISH!!!... By the way, I am supposed to be doing work now and I decided to give this blogging thing a shot. Let's just see how far I go with it. Bear with me . My attention span is direly minimal so there's a high chance something else might excite me and I'll go running for that. But till that day comes, I'll be here.. I shall start talking about me soon. Hehe. I... am my favourite topic.. I was just thinking, if I don't tell anyone about this blog, I can write whatever I want here... Yea, that's what I'll do then.

I AM ON A QUEST TO SELF DISCOVERY AND.... I AM TALKING TO MYSELF.. aite Nimisha, you sexy beast. Go do your work and I'll see you tomorrow. Peace Out;)