Yea yea Sarah. I'm blogging again. I have a feeling I'm doing this for your benefit to be honest;p. Anyway, let me start by saying that I'm not to happy with myself at the moment. I seem to be getting annoyed, angry, sensitive and pissed quite a lot these past few weeks. And I hate that because this isn't the person that I am.
The more I tell myself I have no reason to get annoyed, the more reasons just keep popping up, hence giving me more reason to get annoyed. My whole life I've spent being patient and trying to be understanding despite people yelling at me and telling me I don't understand and I'll never get it. My whole life I've felt like I am 'immortal' in the sense that trivial things wouldn't bug me as much. My whole life I've made conscious attempts to not give a shit about what I felt about something and to think about how the other felt. This includes saying sorry first when it clearly isn't my fault. And my whole life I've always avoided confrontation because I didn't think it was worth the trauma of a wounded relationship.
Just one month I spent thinking about how I felt, getting mad at things which I felt strongly about and getting sensitive at things which bugged me and I'm labelled 'troubled'. I somehow feel that I have lost the right to feel these things because I have always portrayed myself to be someone who's never affected by them. But isn't it my right to lose? For it to be my right, shouldn't I have owned it in the first place? Then why is it I feel like I've never had that right? Haha. What a loser!!
"You're entitled to feel that way and it's ok to be pissed once in a while". That's what everyone tells you when you tell them you feel like shit. But there's only so much someone can take. And when it starts to bug them, you'll definitely hear about it from them.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a martyr or that I've dedicated most my life to nurse the wounded souls of mankind. I'm nowhere near all that. It's just that sometimes I feel like I want to be the one that needs instead of being needed all the time. And sadly, I'm incapable of allowing my head to rest on someone elses shoulder because I'm always on a lookout on who needs my shoulder. When I do actually need a shoulder for my heavy head, I'm told I'm being too sensitive.
Probably is what I asked for, given the position I have put myself in. And it is at time like this I wish I was back home with my car, driving along the North-South highway. Cos it's only during that strech that I'm alone and I feel that in that loneliness I am allowed the right to be as vulnerable and as sensitive as I want to be. There won't be anyone to see me or judge me. There won't be anyone to tell me I'm too sensitive. There won't be a soul that would feel pity on me because that's not what I want. The irony is once again, my shoulder is what's being used to lean on. Just that this time it's my head instead of anyone elses.
I savour moments like this now. I savour my moment of soltitude. Don't get me wrong, I hate being alone. I hate the thought of not seeing anyone and not having my friends or family around. But when I feel so down, my take on this is, I owe it to the world to not let them see me at my weakest. Because they don't know how to deal with it and I, on the other hand, don't think I can handle their responses.
SO..... *hehe* as emo as this post is... *which is so not me*... I don't want to let what bugs me eat on everyone elses lives. They have enough to deal with as it is without me getting in their way. My parents have their own problems to deal with, my sisters have their own daily troubles and my friends would probably go through even bigger shit than me. In stepping back and looking at the picture as a whole, I'll remove myself from the picture because I KNOW I can handle what's mine to handle. I was never sensitive, pissed or annoyed before and it is true, I have no reason to feel that way because I have it okay in life. I am allowed to feel the way I do but I know that I am capable of dragging myself out of anything I've put myself into.
But when those small moments come, and I can't handle them myself, then YOU GUYS STEP IN!!! hahahah... pressure's on mateysss!!!!! I'm just joking;)) It'll be cool!! I'm damnnnnnn sure about that!!!
Take care, bunch of fools;)