Monday, 23 February 2009

You can RUN from the DeVIL and not look Back... but Probably He STANDS in front.... ARMS OUTSTRECHED..

You filthy scum!!!

Apologies for the foul language but I felt like greeting in a different way today. No worries, no harm meant. Just a different way/gesture of love from me to you. *Bloody scum*. hehe.. So, I said i'll be back and I AM!! This blogging thing isn't so bad now that I think about it. So scratch what I said earlier about it being RUBBISH. Aite, I better get cracking on what I want to say today. You see, everyday I'll explore a new region of issues and break it down.... MY STYLE!!.. I wanted to talk about me but I think if I do that, people would fall in love with me and I am already in a relationship with myself, I can't encourage another one at the moment..

I am in UK now and the world I left behind me assumes that the world I'm in now is an escape from the harshness they feel at the moment. Nothing can be worse than the tension that's cutting through the emotions and lives of MY PEOPLE.

My speech is held by it's tongue,
My head is guided by an invisible hand,
My soul trapped in a cocoon
that has been waiting too long to rupture,
My spirit bound to boulders
as the waves crash around it,
I have waited and waited...
Shall I wait somemore or shall I wait no more
for wings to take me away..
Be it a dream, be it the truth,
I yearn for wings
to take me from my woe.

Well, wings or no wings, that is what everyone wants. FREEDOM!!
"So go to UK", they say, "It's nothing like what's happening here. You'll experience life like never before. You'll know what their culture is and that would be a HUGE investment for you when you come back".. GO FLY KITES!!

We speak of racism and how we are not treated equally back in Malaysia. Well, I have news for all of you. Your whole theory of running away from that particular pain in Malaysia can be defined as an 'endless run to nowhere'. In my words: SAME SHIT DIFFERENT PLACE!! (damn that should have been the title of the post). I blame you not. I was of the same opinion as well.
I have been slapped many times by this cruel reality that has befallen our nation. Denied scholarships, denied uniersity spots, denied everything.... I shall not bore you with details of my sad life. Not sad, but it's like watching a movie. A tamil movie or something, with all its dramatism and 'lebih-lebihness', where you're just waiting for that happy-ending which might or might not come. I don't know if this my happy-ending, I hope not though.... LONG WAY TO GO!.. By the way, I like movies with depressing endings. Gives it a kick.. I. AM. A. MORBID. PERSON...

I AM DISTRACTED!!.. haha. When I got here, things were not as I expected. I thought everyone was equal in the sense that we could do and say as the 'putihs' do. THEN,.... there was my first seminar. Every time I tried to get a word in, no one was interested in listening. Whenever I spoke, it wasn't an opinion worth considering. It was theirs and theirs ALONE that carried the weight of the world. They and their 'putih' world. They can take their world and shove it up their natural putih a**.

I HATE being taken to be an opinionless person. I HATE it when someone thinks they are better than everyone else. And I HATE it if their reason for feeling so is because they are supposedly highly placed in the society just because they are seriously deprived of blood and remain pucat even when they're laughing.

Haha. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry. Things like this don't anger me. It takes a whole lot more to piss me off. It just puzzles me when I think about how one human being can look at another and differentiate himself/herself from them just because of their social background. It's like in Animal Planet(so long since I watched that channel. Never was my favourite but now, being highly deprived of tv, I wouldn't mind staring at animals getting their groove on.... I realise that sounded damn wrong but trust me, I meant it in the cleanest way possible). Lions and tigers fighting, seeing who's best, best gets the babes and the better half of the food. Same here same here same everywhere...

I have stepped from one world into another and frankly speaking, there's no difference. Maybe the difference would lie in the way its being practiced but the core element remains the same. We are never going to get first dibs anywhere. And for those of you who speak about trying to learn the culture that is supposedly 'almighty', the culture that you wish to seek is the exact culture that we keep at arms length. If, from what I see, this culture tells me to hit the clubs at 10 at night and come back home at 4am, allows me to get my ass grabbed in damn clubs while accepting that its a common occurence, going on booze cruises, having club activities that involve a lot of drinking, clubbing and God knows what else later,.... then I want no part of this culture. Maybe what you had in your minds was the scene of people sitting around a round table with funky flowered hats, drinking tea with their pinky sticking out and saying,"Martha, you are such a laugh. Tea and scones anyone?", well I think that died decades ago. Maybe the Queen of England is the last one that seriously practices it. It's like our keris, hulubalangs, tanjaks and "cis, bedebah engkau Hang Tuah" that have died as time flew by. That is no more the culture here, there is no more softness in speech, culture and class in conduct,... Perhaps there is and I am not looking hard enough, but this is the image I perceive here. Maybe I should just join the Tea Club(if there's one). Scones anyone? *can't imagine myself doing that. Disgustingly not me*.

I have literally developed a shell here. Nothing affects me anymore and perhaps this is the best thing that I have learned here. I am no more concerned about being right or wrong. I am only concerned in being heard. I like the sound of my voice and I would never give that up just because I am possibly not understood here. And this shell, which I have grown in 5 months, is an awesome defense mechanism. Anything that would have affected me once before just bounces off and I am NUMB to criticisms and crap.

I become so Numb,
I can't feel you there,
Become so Numb
so much more aware,
I'm becoming this all I want to do,
Is be more like ME and be less like YOU!!!
*Linkin Park knows their shit!!*

And that's me for you. I came to this country as ME and I am leaving as ME. I shall grow in this country as ME and I shall bloom as ME. It's ME that I love, respect, and find awesomely amazing. And it's this ME that I will go through this new experience with and come out unscathed. Because in the end, it's ME that i'll have to live with as time flies and I won't give ME up for all the culture and dissing off the world;)

Probably in my future posts, I will comment on the benefits of this place. Well, everything has its ups and downs. This is the down and next time.... UP!!.. Peace out;)

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Wth.... m i doing here..


Damn I'm blogging... I told myself once before that I would never blog but then again I told myself I would never straighten my hair and I did. What's so interesting about blogging anyway. I mean, you write stuff for the world to see. Is that what it's all about?.... RUBBISH!!!... By the way, I am supposed to be doing work now and I decided to give this blogging thing a shot. Let's just see how far I go with it. Bear with me . My attention span is direly minimal so there's a high chance something else might excite me and I'll go running for that. But till that day comes, I'll be here.. I shall start talking about me soon. Hehe. I... am my favourite topic.. I was just thinking, if I don't tell anyone about this blog, I can write whatever I want here... Yea, that's what I'll do then.

I AM ON A QUEST TO SELF DISCOVERY AND.... I AM TALKING TO MYSELF.. aite Nimisha, you sexy beast. Go do your work and I'll see you tomorrow. Peace Out;)